Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Live Blog of Walrus-man's "History of American Baseball" Class

If you haven't followed some of my Facebook statuses recently, here's what you've missed. I am taking a class called "History of American Baseball to 1930" with a Professor whose name we will keep anonymous, and we'll call him some version of "Professor Walrus," mostly because his face-covering mustache makes him look like a walrus. I hate this class and everything about it. So now, today, LIVE on my blog, I'm going to write about everything that happens in this two-hour extravaganza. Have fun following along.

7:10 p.m. - Class starts and, to my excitement, teacher evaluations are today! Mr. Walrus leaves the room, and I begin to write what ends up being my best written essay of the entire quarter. I may have mentioned about how taking this class was so disappointing that it was like perennially being a fan of the Pirates, and seeing them lose 100 games every year. It was such a letdown. I had huge expectations for this class, I really did. I mean, it was a class about baseball!!! How much better could it get? And now I dread going to class every day.

7:25 p.m. - After finishing the five-paragraph doozy, in walks Walrus-face, followed by four historians. These baseball historians wrote the three novels we were required to read in this class (did I? absolutely not).

7:26 p.m. - I notice that Walrus-man has put on his nicest suit for today's spectacle. Usually, he wears a V-neck t-shirt that shows off his manly chest hair and his "rock hard" pectorals. The only thing holding those babies in the shirt is a teal blue blazer that looks more like it belongs in the Ugly Hall of Fame than in a classroom. But no, not today, it was like he looked in the mirror and said, "hey, I'm not going to be a total tool today, I really look up to the people who are speaking in my class today. They're swell people, and they know so much more about baseball that was played before they were born than I do! It's time to pull out all the shots so maybe I'll be respected. But probably not."

7:30 p.m. - As he does every day, he starts us out on "Baseball Reference" talking about useless details that he's spewing out from under his insanely huge mustache. Seriously, how does the guy fit food in there?

7:35 p.m. - We're about to watch a five minute movie about baseball. Finally! Something informative! It's only taken seven weeks.

7:52 p.m. - We're still watching the five minute movie. Elvis even made an appearance.

7:53 p.m. - Today, we're going to have the treat of sitting through a "Baseball Chautauqua." Does Professor Walrus even know what the word means? I looked it up. It means "of or pertaining to a system of education flourishing in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, originating at Lake Chautauqua, New York" or "a village on this lake: summer educational center." This isn't the first time this has happened, either. First, it was the word "codified." Dude, this isn't the 1880's. Can't we just use "wrote down?" And another, the word "pastoral." He used this word when referring to the naming of MLB stadiums in the early 20th century. I asked him what it meant, and he said, "I am the Walrus, KOO KOO KACHOO!!!!!" Or something like that.

8:00 p.m. - The Walrus is trying to figure out this confounded PowerPoint program for his speaker, who seems anxious to beat my professor for the "Driest Professor Ever" award (to be presented on MLB network November 21).

8:10 p.m. - This speaker's presentation on Smoky Joe Wood is actually pretty interesting. But my focus is on our professor, who is literally nodding at every word this man says. Next idea, Walrusman bobblehead including a comb for optimal 'stache softness.

8:18 p.m. - I wonder what South Carolina's away record is this year? Do I think Tennessee could beat them? Oh, sorry, I should be paying attention to this astonishingly wonderful lecture. We only have 42 minutes left in class and still what appears to be three speakers to go. Time to start the fun.

8:19 p.m. - Meanwhile, Mr. Walrus hasn't moved from his corner. Although I believe he had to change his pants once or twice.

8:21 p.m. - Smoky Joe Wood's lecture is over. Well done, really. I enjoyed it. My professor welcomes the next speaker to the podium. And looks genuinely terrified that he's in the company of such great writers. Because he's obviously not one.

8:25 p.m. - Another great speaker, very insightful and informational. Captain Walrus is being so attentive. He's probably just jealous of the speaker's well-groomed face salad. He hasn't even blinked.

8:30 p.m. - I finally found a picture!

8:38 p.m. - Taking a look around the class, here's what I see. Most are taking some kind of "notes" (most likely game-by-game predictions of the World Series, which has started in the time I've been in this classroom), some are wearing baseball attire (I see the same Johnny Bench t-shirt I've seen seemingly every day this quarter on the back of the same kid a few rows in front of me), and some are even watching the Phillies/Yankees game online. Oh wait, is that a Colorado Avalanche jersey? Wow, that's a first. But hey, the NHL and I will take it.

8:42 p.m. - The lecture primarily focused on George Sisler is over (very good) and as Walrus-man wipes away the tears ("it was. so beautiful..."), he says, "Ok, get up and stretch, students." Don't tell me my business, devil Walrus!

8:45 p.m. - The last speaker, the man who "invented" this class, and quit teaching it a few years ago, starts to speak, and he is wonderful. Entertaining, and understandable. Not dry, what a concept! He started his lecture off like this: "Professor Wood talked about how his weakness was an outside corner curveball...well my weakness was a pitched ball."

8:52 p.m. - Just learned that Babe Ruth carried around a sewing kit to sew his teammates jersey's if they needed it. Love this guy. My professor is in awe of his teaching abilities and strong speaking voice. You know, two things you need to be a...uh...professor.

8:59 p.m. - Walrus - "Now I know we're going to go overtime tonight, but this really is a once in lifetime opportunity for you to learn from the people who know so much about vintage baseball...koo koo kachoo." Oh, really? I know I learned a ton, but did you learn too?

9:04 p.m. - "We got out at 8:30 p.m. last class period, so we'll stay and ask questions tonight." I didn't realize classes had rollover minutes.

9:07 p.m. - He enlightens us, as if it's some kind of privilege for us to know what's happening in the outside world: "1-0 Phillies in the fourth." And as if not EVERYONE in the class has been following on their phones (which we're not supposed to have).

9:13 p.m. - The last speaker has seen Jackie Robinson play in person. How extremely cool. And another saw Willie Mays make "the Catch." Wow. He's also seen Michael Jordan strike out twice in person.

I've had so much fun writing this, and I hope you had just as much fun reading it. Who knows, maybe I'll do this again sometime if you give me some feedback. Fortunately, this has been the best class period I've had the pleasure of taking in this course. But don't be fooled, it's not worth it. Don't get sucked in by the name. Don't take History 319B. Just say no.

For Professor Walrus (he'd sign off personally, but he's crushing clam shells and eating fish while trying not to drool as he's talking to his idols), thanks for reading. It's been my pleasure.


  1. Grant Writes a Live Blog: Hilarity Ensues

  2. you seem like a faggot. maybe its you haircut. just me though...