A Brighter Look...BACK!

After a long delay, the ABL is back. I'm sure your life lacked without my shallow, sports-obsessed thoughts, but I hope this blog provides a little ray of sunshine for your day (See what I did there? Sunshine? "Brighter Look?")

Anyway, I'm quite excited to get back to writing, and as many of you know, I'm not shy about sharing details of my life with anyone. I'd be happy to tell you my life story, but I know that you really don't care. You want my take on sports. And that is absolutely fine, I like it that way. What I would like to do though, mostly to get me back in the writing groove, is to re-acclimate you to Grant Burkhardt the writer, the person, and the sports fanatic. So here are a few things about me.

1. I am, without a doubt, the worst text-messager in the history of cell phones. If I'm texting you and you go hours without getting a response, it's not because I don't like you...I just get sidetracked and forget. So, in advance, I'm sorry.

2. I think there are very few things better than the post-cereal drink of milk. Seriously, eat a bowl of cereal and tell me you weren't just ecstatic to get to the milk, which tastes remotely like the type of cereal you were chowing down.

2a. Favorite cereal: Special K

2b. Favorite post-cereal milk taste: Cheerios

3. Is there anything more demoralizing than your team having a bad start to the baseball season? As a baseball fan, there's nothing worse than your team losing 14 of its first 20 and leaving you saying, "oh gosh, we have to play 140 more of these wretched games? You're KIDDING ME!" I love baseball, but something has to be done to avoid the season being essentially over for Pirates fans before May even begins.

3a. Just saw Dodgers pitcher Hiroki Kuroda give up a bomb to left-center field...random MLB salary figure of the day - Kuroda is making $15,400,000 this season...and he's 19-17 as a starter in the majors. Like I said, something needs to be done here.

4. For the first time in my life, I have the ability to stand up straight, bend at the waist and touch the ground. Thank you Tony Horton and p90x.

5. I've learned that when Tiger Woods says he's changing his life, he doesn't mean the way he deals with reporters. Tiger's post-round interview on Sunday at Augusta revealed that to me. The reporter asked Woods to put this week into perspective...you know, LIFE perspective. And Tiger's response was "I came in fourth."

Yeesh. Yup, he's still a robot.

6. 43 days until the World Cup. USA! USA! USA!

7. Sometimes, my friends and I will have entire conversations that are made up of movie quotes. Don't feel bad...no one besides us can understand what we're talking about, which, most times, is absolutely nothing. I wish I could give you an example, but I fear you'd just stop reading my writing forever.

8. There is no bigger compliment you can give me than to say, "I can hear you talking when I read your writing."

9. I had dinner the other day with a die-hard Cleveland sports fan and I posed this question for him: If you could have all the players who have plagued Cleveland sports in the last 30-plus years together at one press conference (John Elway, Tim Couch, Michael Jordan, etc.) with their intention being to apologize to you for having wronged your city and deprived you of championships, would that make you feel better?

His response: "NO! Because then all anyone would have to do to antagonize us is to hold up a picture of that table of Cleveland anti-Christ's and we'd have no response."

My thought: "I'd have that picture framed and hanging in three different places in my house."

10. Ever wonder what happened with the Walrusman column I wrote back in the fall? I've had people ask, so here's the fallout:

-Somehow, Walrusman found the blog post, printed a bunch of copies, and called me out during class about it. No joke. There was a split second where I was legitimately frightened, but then I realized that I had become a member of the journalistic organization of "Writers Who Have Ticked Off Their Subjects" and then I thought the situation was hilarious.

-He made me sit in the front of the classroom (5th grade style) for the rest of the quarter and made an extra-special final exam (with my name already typed in at the top and on different color paper) for me to take.

-As I made the Walk of Shame to the front of the room, he read off some of my not-so-subtle haymakers aimed in his direction, and then threatened to sue me for "Defamation of Character."

-Then, in a hilarious, not-so-fluid verbal gesture, he mentioned that his tested IQ was 175, turned to me, and said "Grant, what's yours?"

-Then at the end of that particular class period, he offered to pass out copies of my column to the roughly 60-person classroom. My thought? More hits for my site. Is that bad? Ha! No!

11. Writing letters is a passion of mine. I don't get to do it a lot, but there's something about the tradition of it that lures me in, sort of like how black-and-white movies or radio broadcasters or Frank Sinatra will never get old.

12. Speaking of the radio, I'm going to be starting a podcast/online radio show for the Champs Sports Network, and I need some help from you. As of now, the show will be called "A Brighter Look with Grant Burkhardt" and it will be broadcast live weekly on CSN with segment ideas like "Today in Craig Sager's Wardrobe" among others.

What I'd like to hear from you is what ideas you have for show segments and for the title of the show. Don't like "A Brighter Look?" Tell me what you'd rather have the show called. I only get a limited number of views on this site (except, of course, when i talk about Walrusman), but I do value your opinions.

As always, thanks for reading.

Live Blog of Walrus-man's "History of American Baseball" Class

If you haven't followed some of my Facebook statuses recently, here's what you've missed. I am taking a class called "History of American Baseball to 1930" with a Professor whose name we will keep anonymous, and we'll call him some version of "Professor Walrus," mostly because his face-covering mustache makes him look like a walrus. I hate this class and everything about it. So now, today, LIVE on my blog, I'm going to write about everything that happens in this two-hour extravaganza. Have fun following along.

7:10 p.m. - Class starts and, to my excitement, teacher evaluations are today! Mr. Walrus leaves the room, and I begin to write what ends up being my best written essay of the entire quarter. I may have mentioned about how taking this class was so disappointing that it was like perennially being a fan of the Pirates, and seeing them lose 100 games every year. It was such a letdown. I had huge expectations for this class, I really did. I mean, it was a class about baseball!!! How much better could it get? And now I dread going to class every day.

7:25 p.m. - After finishing the five-paragraph doozy, in walks Walrus-face, followed by four historians. These baseball historians wrote the three novels we were required to read in this class (did I? absolutely not).

7:26 p.m. - I notice that Walrus-man has put on his nicest suit for today's spectacle. Usually, he wears a V-neck t-shirt that shows off his manly chest hair and his "rock hard" pectorals. The only thing holding those babies in the shirt is a teal blue blazer that looks more like it belongs in the Ugly Hall of Fame than in a classroom. But no, not today, it was like he looked in the mirror and said, "hey, I'm not going to be a total tool today, I really look up to the people who are speaking in my class today. They're swell people, and they know so much more about baseball that was played before they were born than I do! It's time to pull out all the shots so maybe I'll be respected. But probably not."

7:30 p.m. - As he does every day, he starts us out on "Baseball Reference" talking about useless details that he's spewing out from under his insanely huge mustache. Seriously, how does the guy fit food in there?

7:35 p.m. - We're about to watch a five minute movie about baseball. Finally! Something informative! It's only taken seven weeks.

7:52 p.m. - We're still watching the five minute movie. Elvis even made an appearance.

7:53 p.m. - Today, we're going to have the treat of sitting through a "Baseball Chautauqua." Does Professor Walrus even know what the word means? I looked it up. It means "of or pertaining to a system of education flourishing in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, originating at Lake Chautauqua, New York" or "a village on this lake: summer educational center." This isn't the first time this has happened, either. First, it was the word "codified." Dude, this isn't the 1880's. Can't we just use "wrote down?" And another, the word "pastoral." He used this word when referring to the naming of MLB stadiums in the early 20th century. I asked him what it meant, and he said, "I am the Walrus, KOO KOO KACHOO!!!!!" Or something like that.

8:00 p.m. - The Walrus is trying to figure out this confounded PowerPoint program for his speaker, who seems anxious to beat my professor for the "Driest Professor Ever" award (to be presented on MLB network November 21).

8:10 p.m. - This speaker's presentation on Smoky Joe Wood is actually pretty interesting. But my focus is on our professor, who is literally nodding at every word this man says. Next idea, Walrusman bobblehead including a comb for optimal 'stache softness.

8:18 p.m. - I wonder what South Carolina's away record is this year? Do I think Tennessee could beat them? Oh, sorry, I should be paying attention to this astonishingly wonderful lecture. We only have 42 minutes left in class and still what appears to be three speakers to go. Time to start the fun.

8:19 p.m. - Meanwhile, Mr. Walrus hasn't moved from his corner. Although I believe he had to change his pants once or twice.

8:21 p.m. - Smoky Joe Wood's lecture is over. Well done, really. I enjoyed it. My professor welcomes the next speaker to the podium. And looks genuinely terrified that he's in the company of such great writers. Because he's obviously not one.

8:25 p.m. - Another great speaker, very insightful and informational. Captain Walrus is being so attentive. He's probably just jealous of the speaker's well-groomed face salad. He hasn't even blinked.

8:30 p.m. - I finally found a picture!

8:38 p.m. - Taking a look around the class, here's what I see. Most are taking some kind of "notes" (most likely game-by-game predictions of the World Series, which has started in the time I've been in this classroom), some are wearing baseball attire (I see the same Johnny Bench t-shirt I've seen seemingly every day this quarter on the back of the same kid a few rows in front of me), and some are even watching the Phillies/Yankees game online. Oh wait, is that a Colorado Avalanche jersey? Wow, that's a first. But hey, the NHL and I will take it.

8:42 p.m. - The lecture primarily focused on George Sisler is over (very good) and as Walrus-man wipes away the tears ("it was. so beautiful..."), he says, "Ok, get up and stretch, students." Don't tell me my business, devil Walrus!

8:45 p.m. - The last speaker, the man who "invented" this class, and quit teaching it a few years ago, starts to speak, and he is wonderful. Entertaining, and understandable. Not dry, what a concept! He started his lecture off like this: "Professor Wood talked about how his weakness was an outside corner curveball...well my weakness was a pitched ball."

8:52 p.m. - Just learned that Babe Ruth carried around a sewing kit to sew his teammates jersey's if they needed it. Love this guy. My professor is in awe of his teaching abilities and strong speaking voice. You know, two things you need to be a...uh...professor.

8:59 p.m. - Walrus - "Now I know we're going to go overtime tonight, but this really is a once in lifetime opportunity for you to learn from the people who know so much about vintage baseball...koo koo kachoo." Oh, really? I know I learned a ton, but did you learn too?

9:04 p.m. - "We got out at 8:30 p.m. last class period, so we'll stay and ask questions tonight." I didn't realize classes had rollover minutes.

9:07 p.m. - He enlightens us, as if it's some kind of privilege for us to know what's happening in the outside world: "1-0 Phillies in the fourth." And as if not EVERYONE in the class has been following on their phones (which we're not supposed to have).

9:13 p.m. - The last speaker has seen Jackie Robinson play in person. How extremely cool. And another saw Willie Mays make "the Catch." Wow. He's also seen Michael Jordan strike out twice in person.

I've had so much fun writing this, and I hope you had just as much fun reading it. Who knows, maybe I'll do this again sometime if you give me some feedback. Fortunately, this has been the best class period I've had the pleasure of taking in this course. But don't be fooled, it's not worth it. Don't get sucked in by the name. Don't take History 319B. Just say no.

For Professor Walrus (he'd sign off personally, but he's crushing clam shells and eating fish while trying not to drool as he's talking to his idols), thanks for reading. It's been my pleasure.